I couldn't express this kind of feeling to anyone..
and i not even to voice it out..
because..i know that..it is useless...
meaningless..
hopeless..
We should know that
in this world ,
almost all of the people
will "think" in the way
as what in their mind,
not really will "to think"
in the way as what
those people expressed..
Unless we met up with some psychologist..?
Perhaps..Philosopher??
I rather....
i should say have used to keep my feeling
my reality deeply inside my heart..
However ...I could not relieve...
could not...throw away those "uncomfortable"
feel..
I really have started to fed up..
started feel unwilling to face those
"business"
I admit that i was very lazy...
but i really dont have the
willingness to become a
"hardworking guy"
not really i am a lasy guy...
however as what i knew..
I felt that i am doing whatever i
"don't like~~!!!"
I am not "hate" to study,
but i am a student who like
to explore, like to learn more indeed...
By the way, i felt that i am in such a way
that not follow the way of learning which i prefer too..
I am a scholar..
and obviously i have waived the
tuition fees from some sponsor..
the requirement from the sponsor
also not that hard...
is easy ..
i am know that i could get the result
that will more than the requirement
of the sponsor..~!!!!
Not i am being toooooo
confident~!!!
but i am clearly know that
what i am thinking about ~!!!!
I felt like ....
i study ...not really i like to study ..
i study is because i need to "cover" my family..
I "need" to give some "shine" on my parents face
I "need" to act as a "sponsor" in my family...
I "need" to take care of myself by using those
fund from sponsor...
People will always say the life is like that
"Life is so difficult"
"You should fight for money"
"Fight for Honor~! Glory~!"
"You cannot lose"
"You must have what whose people have"
"Life won't let you follow what you like"
OHHHH~~~~ My god~~!!!!!!!
Why i need to follow what as they think???
although it is the reality in life,
but we still can use the other way round to
live in our life..
isn't it?????
Every single member in my family..
Even though my parents also
"voice" like that...
If i cant fulfill these...
There isn't anyone in my family will
comfort me and say
"hey boy, loses doesn't means you will
be expel from this world..
as long as you keep fight for it....!!!
as long as you never give up...
there is still has hope in this world...
don't cry...don't feel upset..
we will be with you...."
instead of
: Hey boy, you cannot lose~!!
you must win in every single round~!!!
you know, if you are so easy
to be defeated by others
that means
" You are loser"~!!
Everyone in this world won't
look at you anymore~~~
“don't us shy on you~!!!"
Every time i heard these..
I am not getting stress..
however..
i started to feel disappointed..
Sometime i really dont know
those that i have done before...
was for my own good??
or just wanna to satisfied them...
I started to feel sad...
I couldn't express these thing out...
My mum will always keep asking
money from me..
but she never know
where will i get the money...
i love her so much
i know her situation..
she has reached such an age...
but she still not a rich women
of course she always care of us
but spend out with her life time...
I know my parents need to use
lot of money on their children...
I always tell my parents...
"i will give them money once i started
to be a worker..
not a student..."
however everytime
when i went out to take a part time job..
they will request some benefit from me..
i felt...so disappointed..
because i know sometime ,
they not really able to give us a luxury
lifestyle..
I didn't say anything on it..
but they will keep forcing me...
keep complain me always spend a lot of money..
keep complain me still immature..
keep complain me not "a good children"
compare to others..
won't care of them...
won't concern them..
and complain i will only care
of myself...
complain i am selfish...
complain i went to study in university
complain i don't want to take a job after i
finished my secondary school....
have passed more than 1 year..
but they still complain..
everyday..everytime
i really can't runaway from these all
thing...
these all...
really affected my life..
cause me cannot concentrate on
study..
cannot concentrate on doing my work
the worst is...
everytime ..
i went out to some stall
or restaurant ..
my mind will keep show
my parents faces...
and said : "don't eat too much...
must save money.."
"you are spending too much"
" you food must as cheap as possible"...
i really tired with that...
until today...
my exam..
i really.....
disappointed..
i was though that i am able to answer it..
i gain the knowledge in doing these questions..
but... every single exam period...
before start the paper..
my parent face will come out again..
and remind me..
"cannot fail.."
"once fail ..everything gone.."
"we not able to sponsor you...
you only can fight for yourself.."
"Don't give your family toooooo
many difficulties...
cause we are not suppose to
endure it"
"I am you parent,
you must do something to
refund the hardship that we grew you up,
instead of we give you a good lifestyle"
I really cannot...
cannot...focus anymore..
every single time i wake up..
my mind will remind me what my parents told before..
my mind will keep asking to survive from
"searching for money" and
"accept the reality that what my parents told"
sometime i really speechless...
and tired..
If 2012 will be the doomsday..
how nice will it be right...?
people said..
the relationship in family
is the warmest..the best in this world..
however ..i was not felt these...
what i get is" stressfulness, tiredness,
and everytime need to endure their "mouth"
they always using their mouth
to complain on others..
back-stab ...
i am tired with that..
Maybe 1 day...
i will leave...
to get a journey for myself..
i will run..
Jinyuff 's radio~
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